No Chewing back then

This may come as quite a shock to some, but it is the truth. Some of you may be up on history. Some of you may not be up on history. Those of you who are up on history need not read this. Those of you who are not up on history should.
Quite a long time ago (long before any of you whippersnappers were even named), actually, about 500 years ago, there was a tribe of outlaw Indians. One of the Indians was named Kawachukeenugee (Kaw-Wa-Chew-kee-Nuegee). His name was Kaw, for short. In the whole world, there was no such thing as chewing a meal. Oh, yes, people did have teeth. But instead of chewing, people would just suck on their food until it was soggy enough to swallow, or three designated times a day, they would go to the river and dunk their food in the water. There was one other efficient way to eat the food without chewing. Twice a day, a woman of the village would start grinding food in a big tub at one end of the village. With a rock in one hand, and a wide stick except for the handle in the other, she reduced food into crumbs small enough to swallow.
One day, an amazing thing happened that would either diminish Kaw into non-existence, or raise him as an idol to the village, or do neither. In any case he saved us from having to eat that way. On that particular day, Kaw, as usual with the other men who came in from the field, was hungry. Well, Kaw was UNUSUALLY hungry, to be precise. When he was given his plate of food that was untreated thus far, he had the choice to have it ground by the Woman, or dunk it in the river, or suck it. Today, he decided to dunk it in the river. The river was the furthest away, but it was also the fastest.
As he was dashing down to the river, he was overcome by a wave of starvation. He reached down to grab a piece of chicken, and he thrust it in his mouth. Because he was running, his jaws went CHOMP! and cut the chicken in half. Soon, after he found out he could cut the chicken in half with his teeth, he was going CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! Everyone beheld this glorious feat. Some thought he was a witch and should be dealt with accordingly, and beheaded. Some thought he was a god, and should be honored. Before either of these plans could be carried out, however, a wiser group tried to chew. And you know what? IT WORKED!!!! Well, that pretty much settled the issue. All around the world this event was spread, more and more people adopted the chewing method, and that is the history behind chewing.