No Chewing back then

This may come as quite a shock to some, but it is the truth. Some of you may be up on history. Some of you may not be up on history. Those of you who are up on history need not read this. Those of you who are not up on history should.
Quite a long time ago (long before any of you whippersnappers were even named), actually, about 500 years ago, there was a tribe of outlaw Indians. One of the Indians was named Kawachukeenugee (Kaw-Wa-Chew-kee-Nuegee). His name was Kaw, for short. In the whole world, there was no such thing as chewing a meal. Oh, yes, people did have teeth. But instead of chewing, people would just suck on their food until it was soggy enough to swallow, or three designated times a day, they would go to the river and dunk their food in the water. There was one other efficient way to eat the food without chewing. Twice a day, a woman of the village would start grinding food in a big tub at one end of the village. With a rock in one hand, and a wide stick except for the handle in the other, she reduced food into crumbs small enough to swallow.
One day, an amazing thing happened that would either diminish Kaw into non-existence, or raise him as an idol to the village, or do neither. In any case he saved us from having to eat that way. On that particular day, Kaw, as usual with the other men who came in from the field, was hungry. Well, Kaw was UNUSUALLY hungry, to be precise. When he was given his plate of food that was untreated thus far, he had the choice to have it ground by the Woman, or dunk it in the river, or suck it. Today, he decided to dunk it in the river. The river was the furthest away, but it was also the fastest.
As he was dashing down to the river, he was overcome by a wave of starvation. He reached down to grab a piece of chicken, and he thrust it in his mouth. Because he was running, his jaws went CHOMP! and cut the chicken in half. Soon, after he found out he could cut the chicken in half with his teeth, he was going CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! Everyone beheld this glorious feat. Some thought he was a witch and should be dealt with accordingly, and beheaded. Some thought he was a god, and should be honored. Before either of these plans could be carried out, however, a wiser group tried to chew. And you know what? IT WORKED!!!! Well, that pretty much settled the issue. All around the world this event was spread, more and more people adopted the chewing method, and that is the history behind chewing.

Ice cream mistakes #1

Never ever eat ice cream by the fire.

Never eat out of a dish that just came out of the dish washer.

Never have vanilla ice cream outside unless there are no birds around.

Never put it in the refrigerator, put it in the freezer.

Never put it in oven to heat it up.

Never take it backpacking (done it, too messy).

Never mistake your mint chocolate chip ice cream for dirty vanilla ice cream. If you do, don't put it in the washer.

Never think that cold ice cream just needs to be zapped.

And the moral of this post is NEVER do nevers.

The Empty Head Series #2

To those who care I did not end up finishing the cleaning I started, due to my starting a fire.

Here is how it happened,

When I got my duffle bag I went straight back to the bathroom, and with a stubbed toe (due to the fact a most ironic fight had taken place over who got in to the bathroom next, I had to kick my way in) I was back in my fortress with my mission coming along perfectly.

Since I had my duffle bag again that meant I also had matches, so I dug into the bottom of my duffle bag, got my matches, and poured my cleaning mixture into my shoe, lighted a match, caught a shoelace on fire and while my cleaning mixture boiled inside my shoe I began telling myself how proud I was of me.

Every one please make an orderly exit (that was the pilot on the really loud speaker, and he meant it. even if exiting did mean getting squashed.) if you have not caught on to what happened, I would like to move on so I will just say, fire alarm, panic, explosion, and the rest that comes from mistakes on a plane.

Those who want to move on like me may now start having their wish fulfilled. I survived by a miracle of passing out in mid-air, landing on another plane that was 1,000 feet under the explosion and again having my face rearranged to a look similar to this. so now my face was more like my regular one.

When I woke up I found some African tribe poking me with sticks and making me bleed…but first, before I get to far I think I should skip back 30 minutes.

When I had landed on the plane I had made a big dent. When the planes crew saw the dent they did not freak out but the pilot seeing it got scared and yanked his hands off the steering wheel dived for the door of the airplane and jumped. You might wonder why he got scared, and it is still unknown why he acted so. not even the crew knows. Thus the plane free from steering swirled out of control sending me sky high.

Also he landed in a muddy marsh that wasn’t much of a landing spot but it saved his life. Or maybe not because in less than 28minutes a tribe came along, and after protesting as of this kind, screeching, screaming, and yelling out in pain they stopped poking me with sticks covered their ears and ran.

I followed within a 200 yard radius in hope of them leading me to a town, so I hid when there where trees, crawled when there where not, and getting on my feet when there was a marsh. Traveling this way the left me behind like a horse would a ant. Whoee, whooee, whoee, I looked at where the sound came and noticed a crashed plane in the middle of a marsh, with what was left of a crew.

I decided to check it out, and take anything that Is useful, Oh no readers Not STEAL just TAKE. I ended up having to enter through the window since the door was jammed and once in I felt around and found another door and so I entered that and tripped smashed my fragile body on the floor and then.

Tune In Soon For Empty Head Series #3

Elimination

The Spike Show Elimination :(.

The Empty Head Series Booster!

I dedicate this song (which can be read as a poem) to all the little poor cheerios who have suffered like this little cheerio:

I thought I was brave, I thought I was a hero,

& then I found out, that I was only a cheerio,

Soon eaten up by Time,

With others of my kind,

Soon swimming in Milk,

And swallowed in one Gulp.

I hope by this time, all of you faithful readers are now pitying the poor cheerios that some of you eat every morning!!! I have started a petition against eating cheerios. If you want to be added to the list of names, please write in your comment box “Petition” & then sign your name to help the poor cheerios. At the end of this month, February, we will put the list of names up on our blog.

Making a stand against eating helpless cheerios,

No Belly Button

Skiing:The Rails

That might be a boring title but, to some that's like music in their ears and, whats in this post actual happened. :(

To some seeing a rail ahead would be terrifying but to me it wasn't, and as mischief lighted into my eyes I made an evil laugh that sounded like a snicker... BAR!, ok well that didn't happen and this is supposed to be a humor blog not a scary story blog.


Hey yo Jon, bet you to sissy to go on yo rail, HEY! don't pay attention to Dick, he is just a mean old section of your brain. (this is a discussion between Dick and Bill whose nicknames happen to be non conscience and plain old conscience) so of course I would hate to break my promise with myself that I would never do anything that was not showing off (very stupid of me) and, as I am still a beginner on rails, I ended up having the worst of all the embarrassments in history! But you will find out what happens on the rail when I am ready for you to know.

So, what is a good way to go on a rail? well I don't think my way is no sir ree it sure ain't!

-fastj community


PS:the next series wont tell you what happened either. :) or for some :( or some would think that I am ;)

A Glitch

There appears to have been a recent glitch on this blog where the main author, fastj, thought we were switching blogs and even began posting to another site. This glitch has since been rectified, the posts have been put in their rightful cyber-place, and unbeatenhumor.blogspot.com has been shut down. Thank you for your patience during the technical difficulty and we hope you enjoy the return to normalcy!

Thank you,
the fastj team

fastj widdles

Go thither young man, and get me my scissor then return hither with my scissor.

-Owner/Mom

Never fall in a hole or your look like a fool.

-Owner

If you end up with a blister I bet ten to one it will turn into a sister.

-Owner

Tongue Twisters

If in a waddle battle, turn to the waddle battle fuddles, and ask those waddle battle fuddles if they want a waddle battle with whoever you were in a waddle battle with, then if they say cunerdedawakerfeee that will be a no and that they will most likely keel you if you don’t get. But a whoheeyaawuuuuwupeeeeeee! is a yes.

-Owner

Credits


Thanks to.

Owner as J

Mom as Mom

And special thanks to.

Computer for being the cause of this post.

Is your tongue twisted yet?

Bye Bye Fastj

Bye everyone I am selling my blogspot and resigning to a administrative on unbeatenhumor.blogspot.com where my choice posts will be put on.

also everyone who wants this blog I will give it to but I will delete the choice posts I have on my blog so this blog will most likely have half its posts.

there are some other rules to.

-No deleting posts

-no saying you are the maker of fastj

The Empty Head Series

Dear Empty head,

I have noticed you are in need of a job, so I am offering you a job in Africa that pays $6 an hour and we will also take care of flight expenses to get out here, lodging, and food, also we would like to remind you that if we see a lot of potential in you that it is most likely you will be upgraded to SI (savage instinct) and will be paid $15 a hour.

-African government

PS: You will start as a NSI (not to savage instinct) you are expected to be on a B14 9pm may 8^th at the grail airport.

Now that’s one job I wont miss! Cant miss! welp I better start packing for tomorrow (that's the 8th) first tho I will make my list.

Empty Head's List

-15 pair underwear

-1 computer

-4 game boys

-1 big screen TV set

-5 toothbrushes

-1 pair jeans

-2 t shirts

-3 pair socks

-swimming suit

-3 coats

-5 1 liter soda bottles

-15 DVDs

-matches

Now that the list was done I went to my closet, got my suit case and my wagon then I loaded the TV into the wagon and then packed the rest of my stuff into my huge suit case, and when I finished loading the stuff into the suit case I heaved the suit case into the wagon with the TV.

The next day when I arrived at the airport the person in charge at the weight machine thingy said it would cost $1000 to take my TV, and so what I do is just pay the fine and go on my way with my duffel bag. later after asking 2 people and paying 1 official $50 I found the B14 and once I was on I looked back at the ticket that came in the mail and saw “baby aisle seat 5”, so then I ended up paying an official on the plane $20 to show me where that is and to my disgust I ended up right next to the bathrooms and to my biggest disgust it was a three seat aisle and there was a fat women taking up the two extra seats and, what was worse was that she had a screaming two year old who was half on my lap and half on hers so after hard thinking I decided it was best just to sit in the bathroom (there was only one) so then later when I was in the bathrooms I heard the engines start and then I got really excited because I got a job, but what was extra special was that I might be able to repay the bank (I was in debt).

After I was in the bathroom I actually decided that I might want to rethink and get back to my seat till the airplane took off, and right when I was going to unlatch the door to go out I was thrown into the wall and got stuck there. once the airplane smoothed out I decided to get myself unstuck so after pushing with my hands really hard I flew off the wall. then I was shocked to realize that a piece of the wall about half a square foot was stuck to my face! And so then I pulled really hard and once it was off I realized I tugged so hard it made my face look like this

The only thing that comforted me was that I succeeded in getting it off and, when I looked on the ground my face turned pale for low and behold! I found a huge mess of white stuff that fell down from the wall, stained the floor, which made me end up having a reaction I never had before which strangely was to clean! And so I immediately began slapping myself for even thinking of cleaning since that would take my pride down a step. but on second thought I decided it better then coming out. as there would probably be a line I thought it would be better to take down my pride, then embarrass myself and so I felled on to the cleaning side of thought as I only knew how to imagine. also the floor did not need to be cleaned more then my face needed to be fixed.

Knock Knock BANG! KICK! RATTLE! LET ME IN I GOT TO GO BAD! Sorry misses cant come in. now of course I usually would let someone in, but right then it was a big mess inside and my face was a disaster so I decided it not right for a lady to come inside and to my ears disgust I decided to let her keep yelling her head off.

Sir please pretty please (that’s the women again this time begging) miss I think your plum sweet right now so I will do a deal with you (that’s me talking) thanks mister what’s the deal? The deal is miss you come back here in say... 30 minutes? and you can come in ok? NO! I NEED IN NOW!!!!

Sorry miss I am not Santa but you can wait till 30 minutes are up right? Well anyway you have to (the women stopped her persuasion then and I heard a heavy thump as she sat down, and it was then I realized that she might make a good Santa wife at the Redding fair so then I made my grand mistake...decision (I did not realize this was my life at stake) but anyway that is Santa's decision not mine. and think about since after all Santa should make the decision but I guess with a little bit of prodding, it might make Santa more on the taking of her. so I would just ask her if she liked my idea even if it was rude.

But now I had a job to do (cleaning) um, um, um, um, um, uh hum, I think I should pick up a bottle of lavender (just then I did not know it was lotion but I found out later) just then I thought that if I just got water to mix it with. the lavender would be perfect! So then I poured it onto the floor and rubbed it with my shoes. but it just got dirtier! and dirtier! (I had on my mucking shoes) so then after five minutes hard thinking I decided my mix of what I thought cleaning materials, needed to be heated up. so I then looked for a window to climb thru so that the fat women would not get in and when I didn’t find any I quietly opened the door then slid thru the door and closed it after me.

By the time I made it to my seat (I had pushed 4 kids who dived for the door which ended up blocking the fat women who moved really sluggishly, and then I punched a man coming thru the group which there could be no mistake as to where he was going) I had a bloody nose, a hurt fist, and last but not least a rearranged face.

The spikes SHOW!

Dear,readers,booers,and un offensive commenter's.

We here at fastj are not funny but we will try to humor you with the SPIKE SHOW! coming soon to blog on the 8th! now ladies and gentlemen keep your hat on for fastj's improving blog! so keep your seats the shows not over mark your calendar for the 8th now a word from the audience.

bob:This must be the best thing in my life! my favorite blog becoming funny! its imposable Ha Ha HA!

bill:hehehehe cant wait (giggle) beeeee keeeee beeee keee hehehe!


sally:pish posh thats what i say hehehehehehehe!


nick:waaa haaa ka ka thats what i say you guys are not funny!

oh no well thats a word from our audience got to go now!!!! RUN! oh no get the police! HELP!!!!

Risk...the board game

Who said Risk is a game of strategy and not revenge?.
Well i still am not sure if they were wright! so please hang on for a post that will take to the deep pits of confusion that is if you aren't already in them.

Once apond a dime
there wheres a game calt RISK A Game of strategic strategy and then of course teres thy rules thats {wins}
I comed in i's then reads it and turneds ta

TIPS

1.Revenge = elimination

2.strategy = winin.

The rest was a huge blurr and I thought how comed them to tell me that this awesome thingy game was without revenge! i Turr up the directions and ran out the door and kept runnin till i was at the end of my driveway and then I stood there pantin Tull ol conscience came and said old boy go and see fo yo self withers or hoofs...whether or not tis true and dis is wat happened.


1.game did good with revenge

1.game did horrible with revenge

and havent started countin ones withut revenge.


now go do the right move.