Country Happiness

Here is something that I found.


The Gores and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred-$1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy!"

The Buzz

So,
What's happenin' round the FJ blog? The Buzz shall answer your questions! email fastjhumor@gmail.com to see if your questions are worth postin' and answerin'.

Latest news,
FJ's main contributer...only contributer is doing the Snazzy Wazzy New Ultimately Amazing Snazzy Awesome Get To The Point POST!!!! So please check back June 2nd.

Now a word from the hair specialist bobby,
Is your hair like a monkeys? try our new Ultra Vex hair spray, Ingredients Are: Peanuts, Olive Oil, Rubber, Tile (melted), Chocolate (melted), Pig Snout (melted), and Pancake Mix.
Guaranteed to make your hair look like this. Big sale of $19.95 running out of room in storage apartment's so call now.

The Dictionary For Beginners

Phrase: Translated phrase

The House Cleaning Beginner

You can clean that part it is the easiest: It’s the hardest.

I need to clean the TV room while you do the dishes: My favorite show is on.

Get the sweep out of the cabinet will you?: There’s an avalanche coming.

The Hunting Beginner

Hey, bud, go distract that deer over there while I climb this tree: You better run because that deer is a bear.

Look over there at the pond there’s a prize goose!: Look the opposite direction and you will have a pretty good shot at a prize buck.

You get this gun and I get this one since you're a beginner: Take the one that wasn’t offered to you (you will end up with the good gun).

You go first and I will follow: Most likely there's something dangerous up ahead (you’d be smart to say no thanks, you can go first).

Stay where you are: You better run cause there’s a bear comin.’

The Horse Riding Beginner

You can ride that tame un: Say a polite no thanks.

He is the best horse ever, sure you can ride him!: That is, compared to the worst horse that ever took breath.

After you're done ridin him your gonna owe him a couple bucks: This usually means bucks not money. Only experienced riders allowed.

Babysitting

ah was in mah second year of college an' was lookin' fo' a summer job when someone offered a job thet'd last about three months. It was a babysittin' job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Th' Maw an' Paw had been wantin' a three month bust fo' a long time, an' now thet they had th' chance, they jumped at it. They paid at least $150 a day an' ah also jumped at th' chance. They had two twin kids wif freckles all on over their haid an' wif red hair. They looked like Syndrome fum "Th' Incredibles". Thet sh'd haf been mah fust hint. Th' fust day was awful, ah reckon. ah arrived at 10:00 an' th' house was a mess. At lunch time, ah made spaghetti an' they jest loved it - puffick fo' a grub fight. ah was th' targit, an' ah can tell yo', no matter how much fun it was fo' them, ah had an awful time. Thet night ah snuck away t'mah trimenjus pink dump truck, bought some mighty strong cages an' rushed back. Shet mah mouth! Befo'e enny of th' kids had a chance, ah grabbed etch by th' hair an' stuck one in etch cage. Of course, ah lost a thoomb an' a pinky...th' thoomb one of th' kids bit off, th' pinky ah slammed in th' cage dore tryin' t'close it quick inough so thet they'dn't git out. ah was only able t'feed them grub thet was small inough t'fit through th' bars on account o' ah was NOT a-gonna stick mah han's in thar jest t'give them grub. Fo' th' water ah jest bought some pop-up lid water bottles an''d hold them while th' kids sucked on them, dawgone it. Af'er two days th' water solushun was a trimenjus pain so ah bought eight rabbit water bottles , four fo' etch of them, dawgone it. Th' job was way easier on account o' ah only had t'be thar three times a day, an', eff'n ah pow'ful wanted to, ah only had t'be thar two times a day. It was a sweet deal! Fry mah hide! Th' day befo'e th' parents came home, ah did a pow'ful deep clean of th' house, an' made th' kids promise t'behave eff'n ah let them out. Wal, ah purdy nervous t'let th' two syndromes out, but ah did, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, they inded up behavin' purdy fine on account o' they thunk ah w'd put them back in th' cages agin eff'n they didn't. (they were right). When Maw an' Paw came home sar th' right purdy house an' th' behavin' kids ah got mah pay right away an' was sent off. ah wager thet ah was th' highess stan'in' student in th' whole skoo...it was nice!

You Know You Should Run When...

1.You knock on a door and a women with a mustache answers.

2.Sirens!

3.You mean I have to pay for that?!

4.You see a man in a dress walking towards you.

5.You accidentally back up into someones 2006 mustang.

6.You went to the dump and the dump employees keep trying to toss you in their trash pile.

7.Your mom asks if your busy right now.

8.Your girlfriend says "My Birthday is tomorrow...isn't that jewelery shop so nice? " if she says that remember: run faster then she can drive.

Planter's Wart!

It is estimated that 7-10% of the US population is infected. Infection typically occurs on moist walking surfaces such as showers, swimming pools, or shoes. The virus can survive many months without a host, making it highly contagious.

Ok, if your one of my siblings then you should be freaking. If your not then remember our Airwalk* shoes? Well take this: You should avoid sharing shoes and socks. As a explanation for our readers; I have a Planter's Wart that is on my toe.

Ok, now to the really ugly, disgusting, horrible, blood spurting, and painful part. I went on May 5th to Dr. Shock, which came as quite a shock since I was expecting something like, Dr. Sprout or Dr. Drunk maybe even a Dr. Rabies (that would be quite a little adventure) and was told to be seated on one of their cactus seats.

They said that Dr. Shock used to be a Boot Camp Commander! After what seemed years I was lead away to the cell where I saw a beefy man with a long needle that before I could protest sank into my toe, followed by a pepper spray bottle that he directed onto my toe. Then he (this part is not a lie) took a knife and cut the ------------Planter's Wart off my toe! as he lead me to the iron door and used my head to pry it open my toe unnoticed decided to squirt large amounts of blood over the parking lot (which was true) so then I had to have my toe put in a cast.

On the way home my toe grew and is right now hurting because of lack of space in my cast! HELP ME! NO I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SHOCK!!!!!! MOM PLEASE FORGET I SAID IT!!

Sorry about the lies shock was nice but hey, I got a BLOG TO RUN!

A Hearing Test

Gobbly and Bobbly Goop, twins, and I were talking in the Goop's kitchen when I pointed to a something that looked like this:














Gobbly explained that if you took the cup out, it was a accurate tester of your hearing.
"Put yer head in, an' then we'll lower the squeez-the ear cup onto your ear, and test yure hearin'." said Bobbly.
"Yeah! There be this here light that will turn grine iffin' yure hearin' is gud, yeller iffin' it's okie, and red iffin' it's bad." Added Gobbly.
I did not like the looks of the contraption, so it took a whole lot of persuading on Gobbly's and Bobbly's part. Finally I stuck my head in, and immediately Gobbly was squeezing my head with it. It was very painful, and I tried to pull my head out. It was no use, my head was firmly wedged. I was surprised that Gobbly's and Bobbly's hearing didn't go because of my screaming. When half of my ear wax was pushed out, he let up. It turns out that it was a hand juicer.

A couple days later at school, I heard tell that Mr. Goop found three huge chunks of pulp in his orange juice.