THE OUTDOORSMAN

THE OUTDOORSMEN

The Outdoorsmen are a rare species. They usually have long, tangled hair, a ragged, toothy grin, and hairy legs, REALLY hairy legs.  They are typically sweaty and gross. They don't mind using “a bush,” which makes it embarrassing to know one of the race. Well, I know one of those Outdoorsmen. Even worse, I am one of those Outdoorsmen. That is why I was recommended to lead the local young sweaty, gross, bush user kids on an outing. Actually the local boy scouts. I received the call early this morning.

Bob: “Hey Fastj! It’s Bob!”

Me: “Bob!”

Bob: “I have a small favor to ask”

Me: “Really? That’s a bummer because I just fell into the sewer and got lost!”

Bob: “Don’t worry! It really is a SMALL favor”

Me: “Help! I’m drowning!”

Bob: “It has to do with the outdoors”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m back on solid ground now!”

Bob: “Good, I want you to take the boy scouts on an outing”

Me: “Help! I fell back in!”

Somehow my friend, Bob, talked me into taking the “wee little titers” on a trip. A camping trip. I knew that this was going to be my undoing. If not physically, then mentally.

On the day of the trip I slept in. Well, not really, I mean I did get up at the start time of 6:00. Just the next day. Then my Jeep (all Outdoorsmen have a Jeep, you know those gas guzzling open roofed things?) broke. It just wouldn’t start. I called Bob to apologize.

Me: “Hey Bob!”

Bob: “It’s about time you called!”

Me: “Yeah, about that. My jeep won’t start.”

Bob: “Ok, I’ll call Sam the Stinky and he’ll pick you up.”

Me: “Wait! I figured it out. You start it with your key not by kicking it and saying Giddy’ up!”

Bob: “Yeah right, not even you're THAT stupid.”

Me: “Uh-oh, I’m gonna’ be late!”

Bob: “What do you mean gon-”

I hung up and put the pedal to the metal. After a few miles I passed Bob (he was waiting around with a bunch of little screaming kids) and Bob started yelling something that sounded like “Get your ear in the other direction!!!” I knew he must be joshing me because Mexico was in this direction. Then my phone rang and I answered it, the second I did so I heard “TURN AROUND AND GET BACK HERE BEFORE I CALL IN THE MILITARY!!!” Oh it’s just some telemarketer I told myself. After about half an hour I saw dust. I kept driving until I saw a group of cavalry charging down on me. I took a detour and lost them, although driving through the bomb site might not have been the best decision.

 

Then I began to feel guilty. I decided to pull a u-turn, forgetting I was on the free way. After that minor adventure I was on my way on a pile of-WAIT A SECOND. What am I doing on top of a hay truck?!?! Oh well, at least it is going in the right direction. When we passed Bob and the little screaming people I jumped...SPLAT! Boy, today is tied with the other day for WORST. The only other day that was this bad was when the bear chased me up a tree and I fell asleep. And then the tree cutters came and...I'll go into that another time. For now I will finish up this adventure.

 

Anyway, once I got put back together by all the kings horses and all the kings men, I started to get introduced to the little screaming people. There were ten screaming people, I think. At least that's the amount I brought back from the trip.

 

So once the kids were put into my care and Bob reluctantly let me borrow his van, I stated my rules.

 

1. No yelling

2. No screaming

3. Obey all rules

 

Well that sews up this adventure! I will post whenever I have another one! Adiu! Farewell! Alf Weederzen! Snish genterwentziener!

 

PS: I guess the boy scouts are an okay group. Very nice group of kids, actually. And my new van is cool.