Babysitting

ah was in mah second year of college an' was lookin' fo' a summer job when someone offered a job thet'd last about three months. It was a babysittin' job. Well bust mah britches an' call me streaker. Th' Maw an' Paw had been wantin' a three month bust fo' a long time, an' now thet they had th' chance, they jumped at it. They paid at least $150 a day an' ah also jumped at th' chance. They had two twin kids wif freckles all on over their haid an' wif red hair. They looked like Syndrome fum "Th' Incredibles". Thet sh'd haf been mah fust hint. Th' fust day was awful, ah reckon. ah arrived at 10:00 an' th' house was a mess. At lunch time, ah made spaghetti an' they jest loved it - puffick fo' a grub fight. ah was th' targit, an' ah can tell yo', no matter how much fun it was fo' them, ah had an awful time. Thet night ah snuck away t'mah trimenjus pink dump truck, bought some mighty strong cages an' rushed back. Shet mah mouth! Befo'e enny of th' kids had a chance, ah grabbed etch by th' hair an' stuck one in etch cage. Of course, ah lost a thoomb an' a pinky...th' thoomb one of th' kids bit off, th' pinky ah slammed in th' cage dore tryin' t'close it quick inough so thet they'dn't git out. ah was only able t'feed them grub thet was small inough t'fit through th' bars on account o' ah was NOT a-gonna stick mah han's in thar jest t'give them grub. Fo' th' water ah jest bought some pop-up lid water bottles an''d hold them while th' kids sucked on them, dawgone it. Af'er two days th' water solushun was a trimenjus pain so ah bought eight rabbit water bottles , four fo' etch of them, dawgone it. Th' job was way easier on account o' ah only had t'be thar three times a day, an', eff'n ah pow'ful wanted to, ah only had t'be thar two times a day. It was a sweet deal! Fry mah hide! Th' day befo'e th' parents came home, ah did a pow'ful deep clean of th' house, an' made th' kids promise t'behave eff'n ah let them out. Wal, ah purdy nervous t'let th' two syndromes out, but ah did, cuss it all t' tarnation. Wal, they inded up behavin' purdy fine on account o' they thunk ah w'd put them back in th' cages agin eff'n they didn't. (they were right). When Maw an' Paw came home sar th' right purdy house an' th' behavin' kids ah got mah pay right away an' was sent off. ah wager thet ah was th' highess stan'in' student in th' whole skoo...it was nice!

Of House and House Appliances Beating me up, part 2

After the little fight I had with Chair and Rug, I was purty jumpy all that day. All for nothing. So I decided that it must have been just a one day thing. WRONG! The next day was when it started, VERY early, 1:00am to be exact, well actually 1:01:39am to be TOTALLY exact. I was sleeping peacefully, dreaming of a house that had no furniture in it, when, to my surprise, my bed collapsed! I was instantly awake because when the bed collapsed one of the bed's ribs, or slats, decided to break at an angle, making a spear point that enjoyed jabbing into my back like a mountain into a cloud. I bit my tongue to keep from hollering out of pain and anger, hoping I could fight this battle to the end.
I headed into this fight like a mad dog. Head first, I plunged into the the middle of the mess, succeeding only in burrowing halfway through my sheets and the bed's ribs. Good enough for me. Punching and kicking, I broke Bed's ribs one after another. The movement of my arms and legs succeeded in getting me stuck in the sheet, and I was half suffocating because of it.
For half an hour I punched and kicked, until finally I was wrapped like a burrito, and then...SHATTER! Mom and Dad came running into my room and saw a sheet wriggling around on a collapsed bed. They succeeded in getting me out of the sheet, and I took in the situation right away. The shatter had been made by the window next to my bed. It appeared that my feet had broken it. Even though I hadn't fought this battle to the finish, I was happy to leave the battle field partially intact.

Stay tuned for the next "Of House and House Appliances Beating me up" and find out what happens at dinner.